Category Archives: relationships/romance

Generational Differences…in the Bedroom!


Posted by ajlovesya

We often talk of generational differences in the workplace, but what if you find yourself wanting an older companion?

Most of the men I date are older (Gen X) than I am and while I originally thought there were no differences, I am slowly realizing that this isnt true. In fact many of the issues in an office make their way into the bedroom.

1. They find my optimism naive, I find their cynicism stifling: As a result we tend to knock heads when it comes to the future outcomes of things, whether it be politics or our personal lives. Any disagreement is immediately attributed to age: I am angry because “I dont know any better” and they’re angry because “theyve been jaded by life.”

2. Im looking to change, they’re looking to stabilize: A big part of my life is figuring out where I want to go and what I want to do with myself. I have always felt that as long as youre breathing you should be growing. There really is no reason not to. However, many of the older men I date view changing as a form of accomodating and believe they have earned the right to be set in their ways.

3. Age differences may shape our relationship expectations: It has been hard for me to admit this but I often feel as though older men dont view me as a woman. They view me as someone who needs to be taught something which has resulted in many arguments and breakups. I would often wonder, if I was 30, would he be talking to me this way? Additionally we may sometimes approach each other with preconceived notions of what each other’s behavior will be. Many men have been disappointed to hear that bar hopping is not a hobby of mine and I have been taken aback by men in their 30s who have lots of free time.

4. We both want to learn from each other without feeling stupid: Not just in terms of life, but also in terms of love. Learning is different from indoctrination as you aren’t seeking to change the other person, but rather are seeking personal development. It’s hard to ask questions that may exacerbate generational differences even though the questions may push us to grow.

For example, the last guy I dated sometimes went over some financial documents while I was at his place relaxing. I glanced over one and didn’t have a damn clue as to what he was looking at. I wanted to ask, but thought it would make me look younger and more naïve, not the responsible on-point person that he clearly was. But I asked anyway because I really wanted to know. And he didn’t mind explaining it at all.

The nice thing about romantic generational differences is that because it is my personal life I feel more compelled to voice how I feel and do what makes me feel right. I have been forced to get to know myself better and become more comfortable with who I am. Sometimes, the consequence may be a broken heart, but rather that than losing a paycheck!


Strange Feeling


Posted by ajlovesya

Lately I have had a really strange feeling.  One that I dont think I have ever really felt before.  It’s hard to describe but it feels like oddly exciting and powerful.

I think I’m starting to enjoy being single.

Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but for those who know me, this is major.  My friends call me anything from “boy crazy” to “boss player” because I tend to have so many men on my arm.  I’m known for being a flirt and the fact that I fall in love at least twice a day.  But lately not only have I been pushing men away, but I have also been ignoring most men who come at me.

Today a guy I’ve been seeing yelled at me over some nonsense and I just shrugged and deleted him (in the age of technology–blocking or deletion is akin to being pushed off a cliff).  I had an ad up on a dating site and took that down. Instead of playing coy, I’ve told men quite abruptly that Im not interested in seeing them.

The reason is simple: I’m preoccupied with moving forward.  I’m excited about my job and the opportunities it is presenting me.  The joy that my friends and family in NYC are expressing makes me even more eager to be moving back to NYC.  I’ve gotten emails from my college, high school, and junior high about ways to get involved and have been connected to a variety of professional organizations to help me really jump start my career.

The ho-hum and cat-and-mouse mentality of dating suddenly doesn’t appeal to me.  Whereas before I thought the chase and the silly games were cute, I now find them irritating.  The transition that I am making from intern/recent graduate to management/paying my own bills is nerve wrecking and exciting.  However, it demands that I have the best people in my corner to celebrate and cry with.  I’m feeling uplifted but am finding the whole dating scene to be a drag.

For the first time in a long time being attached to someone isn’t a priority.  It’s amazing how liberating that is.


Friday Foolishness :-)


Posted by ajlovesya

Thought I’d end the week with something silly.

My friend and I were discussing pick up lines that guys throw at us on the street. These dudes may not get my number, but I couldnt help but shake my head up at these lines to get my attention.

1. I may be a diabetic, but I wouldnt mind feasting on that chocolate. (referring to my complexion…homeboy was like 50. For real).
2. Girl, you got so much ass it’s coming out of your pockets!
3. Damn, can I get your phone number? No? How about a screen name?!

What funny/lame/odd/crazy/gross lines has someone thrown at you?


I Think the Internet is Ruining My Dating Life


Posted by ajlovesya

My good friend Nat posted an interesting blog about internet dating. In general I’m a fan of meeting people online, however I think it’s making my F2F interactions more difficult.

Today on my way to work, a gentleman complimented me on how pretty I am and asked if I was taken. I smiled and said “yes” (even though I am so single I honestly think it seeps through my pores) and quickly looked away. He continued chatting with me politely and I continued smiling politely but my stomach was all in knots and after a few minutes he walked away.

I felt like such a dork. On the one hand, I can’t give my phone number to every Tom-Dick-and-Jamal that flashes me a smile and says I am pretty. In fact part of the reason why I am so reluctant to talking to men on the street is that—and I’m not tooting my own horn—it happens so frequently and so obnoxiously. Cat calls, stares, whispers and other adolescent attempts to get my attention do nothing but make walk away faster.

However, I can, at the very least be personable and friendly to people who are nice to me. Yet I also realize that part of my awkwardness stems from the fact that I meet all of the men I date online. Online dating really changes how I converse (or not converse) with men I see on a daily basis. Online, I can take my time and get to know the person via email and phone conversations. Men that I lose interest in or who I am not attracted to are washed away with the click of the delete button. Further, when we finally do meet, he has given me enough information about himself that talking in person is a piece of cake.

Yet when I meet someone on the street, there is no pre-established connection, no previews whatsoever. Everything is just on the fly—go with the flow.

In other words, there is no control. The internet gives me so much control over who I talk to and most importantly, whom I allow to talk to me.

Maybe I should ease up on using the internet and open myself to the unpredictable nature of F2F meeting.

Thoughts?


Learning to be Single and Happy


Posted by ajlovesya

Whatever excitement I lack in my job I make up for in my dating life. My job for the past 8 months has been pretty steady with the boredom and foolishness. However, my dating life always has some unexpected curves.

For example, after putting myself back on the dating scene after a few months of laying low I met a wonderful guy. We instantly connected and have spent the past three months together. Three months is a long time, aint it? Well, it is to me. However, I sensed that maybe he was pulling back so I asked him straight up what the deal was. The conversation went a little something like this:

Him: Would it bother you if I had a girlfriend/wife?
Me: Do you?
Him: I like you but I have a girlfriend. How you wanna handle it?

Pause. Breathe.

This was the initial “I’m letting you know you’re just a side chick so don’t go thinking anything special will happen between us” conversation. We talked about it some more and I—being the admittedly lonely young woman that I am—agreed to see him once more. I wont get into the details but needless to say I feel absolutely disgusted with myself. Why? Because I am fully aware of the fact that he will never care for me the way I deserve to be, yet I settled for fifth place so I wouldn’t be alone.

And therein lies the problem.

My best friend told me that I wouldn’t put up with nonsense if I got more comfortable being alone. I agree whole heartedly. I find myself wishing too often for someone to fill up my time. I don’t like my job, I don’t like Philly, and I don’t have many friends here. So not only am I alone, I am unfulfilled and uninspired. All it takes is a little attention to make me feel good and I lose all common sense.

To top it off I came across this lovely article about how upwardly mobile/successful women have an incredibly difficult time landing men.

I am by no means successful and I have a horrible romance life. You mean it only gets worse from here?!!

Hoo-fricking-ray!

I am quick to tell someone that putting too much into your job—especially your first job—can leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed; that it’s important to have a balance between work and personal life. The problem with me is that my personal life clings on the idea of being completed by someone leaving me more prone to romantic frustration and disappointment.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I need to work on completing myself.

Any suggestions?