Dating: Does Class Matter?
First, I had an amazing weekend. I relaxed, did a little bit of work, applied for jobs, and went out with the first sweet guy I have met in a really long time.
This gentleman and I hit it off immediately. The setting was laid back and we were just vibing–being open and enjoying each other’s company. At one point he says to me, “I cant believe someone like you would date someone like me.” When I asked him what he meant, he proceeded to explain that he usually doesnt get college girls–he said he felt weird, almost like he wasnt good enough since he is not a college grad.
This isnt the first time that this has come up. In general most of the men I date and am attracted to tend be, for lack of a better word, average–not particularly stunning, not particularly outstanding in conventional ways. Yet there is always something about the men that I date that makes me fall for them. The ease of communication, the no bullshit attitude, and the familiarity of lifestyle make it so much easier for me to form relationships with them. Sure, I went to an uppity school full of uppity people and have adapted some uppity ways, but when push comes to shove I retreat to what’s most familiar even though as I get older, I grow further and further away from it (which is both negative and positive).
There is a part of me that, on the one hand is proud of my academic accomplishments yet has dedicated myself to using my knowledge to better the lives of others and feels generally useless when I sit around patting myself on the back. Therefore, talking just to hear myself talk is counter productive. You cant look down on the people whom you believe are being systematically treated unfairly. How often have I heard, “Oh my god poverty is so bad, but ew, he doesnt have this job/he talks this way/he cant give me this/I cant get along with them/etc etc” The very premise is hypocritical to me.
However, there are big differences. For one, my education is extremely important to me. I love reading and writing and it is difficult to, say, discuss progressive ideas of black masculinity with someone who hasn’t even encountered the view that there is something wrong with current black masculinities. A major issue that comes up is language/speech. I sound, and I say this with the acknowledgment that the phrase is problematic, like white girl (except when Im pissed–then it’s all street, for real). Just as I must explain to my friends and family why my man is working class, he must also explain to his friends why he is dating an uppity black girl. (My date and I got into all of these issues. God it felt so good to have it all on the table).
Not to mention the gender dynamics: I am a woman who is “smarter” and has better job opportunities–what does this mean for traditional views of manhood? Perhaps it wouldnt be a big deal if I were not college educated yet the man I dated was…girls are supposed to marry up, right?
Thus, in general, I find it difficult to discuss potential class problems in a relationship–I dont want to come off as holier than thou yet I dont want hide part of my personality. My biggest discomfort comes from the assumption that a college degree makes me a “good” person and that a person’s job dictates their value. Not to mention the extremely unsettling notion that I am entering a relationship looking to be taken care off. The very idea of it is so patronizing that I would burn my degree if I even thought of chasing a man simply because of his material possessions (in general I have a really difficult time being babied. I just dont like it–even pet names sometimes rub me the wrong way–this is the unfortunate result of my education lol).
If I teach high school in Philly, for example, making 35K, there are train conductors who make more than that. Technically, he makes more money than I do, yet he would still, because of the job he has be seen as unable to provide for me and “not good enough.” No one asks if he treats me right; if I am happy; how we met; what we do together; what our plans for the future are. Nope. The first question? “What does he do?” And from my answer all judgments are passed.
Sad isnt it? Kind of surprising since historically blacks have been denied access (and in many ways continue to be) to many jobs and social mobility. Thus it would have been insane and downright cruel to say to our mothers and fathers–”hey you are less than because of the job you have.” Grandma took care of white folks. Momma drove buses. And I love them dearly. I guess with greater mobility we feel free to be elitist although the notion is still problematic.
1. Would you date a woman/man of a different class? Why/why not?
2. If you have what were your experiences?
3. How can we (romatically/friendship wise) work through class barriers? Is this even necessary?
I see you AJ…building blogs and what not, having amazing weekends, LOL.
I can understand dude though. Up until I met my better half, it was hard finding a smart, ambitious and attractive woman. I too was fresh outta college, but could only attract females without substance. I think a lot of guys want a woman that will NEVER be their intellectual or financial equal because of the ego issue. Wifey does her thing, instead of being intimidated, I’m inspired. I was raised by a strong woman- on her own-so it’s been important to find an independent woman to be my partner…
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Just as long as a woman isn’t typical, I’m okay with her. It’s not about how pretty a girl is… It’s about how intellectual she is as far as I’m concerned. If she’s pretty and dumb… No dice! The financial part means NOTHING to me. Independence is not that important to me either. I rather take care of her than she having to take care of me.
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I don’t know if my husband was from another class… but sometimes it is a bit like that. At least that how his parents see it. Like my family thinks we’re better then them… which we don’t. But go figure.
I guess my theory is just ‘to hell with it’.
I don’t think that social classes are such a big thing in Australia. Or at least not where I am.
Husband is only just starting Uni since we got married, and I was due to finished before we got married. I went a private school, he went to a public school, my parents could easily afford our beautiful wedding, his parents gave when they could.
There are definitely differences between us, but when we got married we became our own family, and we were immedietly put on exactly the same level. In a situation like this our past doesn’t necessarily dictate when we do now.
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In my first serious relationship he made more money than me but was not college educated. Discussions about my dreams and aspirations left him feeling threatened. I found myself having to hide what I most liked about myself for the sake of his ego. Needless to say, it didn’t last. Five years later I met another non-college grad who encouraged me to dream big (by this time I had the house, job,and car). Come to find out he just wanted a meal ticket. I’ve never merged that well with the black upper class because my conversation tends to get too “real/hood/ghetto” too much of the time I guess. My greatest joy has come from knowing who I am and sticking to it. I hope to one day meet someone who appreciates this.
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THank you for writing in such a clear and articulate way. I just discovered your blog, and I love the substantive content. I find we have may points of intersection: spongebob, college, nonprofit sector, love, social justice, family. Before I got married as a junior in college, I also wondered about issues of class, race, difference in general would influence my potential partner. Class was something I was very conscious of. I wanted to find someone who was on par or more comfortable socioeconomically because in my experience, there is a DIRECT correlation between class and intangible social capital–how you speak when angry, how you treat your parents, how you present yourself in the world. I think that class is about your “family background” and that is a predictor for many things. Someone who grew up in the modest suburbs and loved his childhood and neighbors versus someone who grew up in South Jamaica Queens, where hustling, alcohol, disrespecting women was the norm. That upbringing influences your TASTES, HABITS, and other intangible things. But it is on a case by case basis. I think that class influences these things but it certainly does not predict character or integrity–which are really the most important things. I hope some of that makes sense.
I think in building a relationship, potential family is essential. Being able to talk to and relate to ones in-laws is also a predictor of success in the relationship. Because anything that helps the relationship–money, family, access–is a plus at the end of the day.
peace
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Kjen Reply:
November 1st, 2009 at 12:33 am
Wow, I think you said it right about how and why class matters in relationships – romantic and others. I think class is like religion in that yep it sure doesn’t tell you everything about the whole person it does give you a comforting jumpstart, a common language so to speak.
Like Allison said, she may have adopted “uppity” ways, but she still finds the most comfortable relations with men who had not.
Sometimes it feels as if people are in such a rush to declare the superficiality of class. Nope, class, like race and gender, etc. should be recognized as a difference – neither better or worse – that has shaped your existence.
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Allison,
How fantastic to meet you! I’m a new reader (I think I surfed over from Milena’s blog? I’ve got such a head cold now it’s hard to say.)
I so feel you on this issue. I went Ivy League (although I’ve done very little with that degree compared to my peers) and my childhood was comfortable and I sound completely white, yet I persist on dating guys that are, according to friends and family, “below me.” I just don’t connect with the uppity boys more “proper” for my class or upbringing or who would help me marry up. sigh.
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